Dear Bill Collectors...

July 3, 2014

This is basically a guide for bill collectors to help you, and people in debt around the world out. Follow at least a couple of these tips and it may just improve your chances of doing your job, lessening some of yours and our stress, and getting the most out of your workday.

1) I Can't Understand You!
How do you expect me to pay you when I have no idea what you are saying? Then you get upset when I ask you to keep repeating yourself. There has to be some kind of hiring requirement that says we have to be able to understand what you are saying.
2) Stop Being So Pushy!
If I don't have it I don't have it, I'm not a magician, I can't turn lint into cash. If I could you wouldn't have a reason to call me, and no I don't have anyone I can ask to borrow money from to pay you. I already used them on my other bills.
3) Text Me!
I don't want to talk to you! (See #2). You are making me miss important calls that I avoid thinking its you. Your best chance of reaching me is texting me your offer.   
4) Don't EVER Call My Job!
This is the quickest way to get your feelings hurt, make me lose my religion, and possibly the job that carries the only means of me ever paying you anything. I'm busy! I don't have time to make monetary decisions or setup a payment while my boss is watching me thinking I'm taking personal calls on the clock. Besides... My coworkers know that anyone that calls asking for me automatically gets a dial-tone because anyone that knows me knows to call my cell phone or text me.
5) Talk To Me Like A Person, Not A Commission!  
If you talk down to me like you are better than me or like you've made all the best monetary decisions in your life the conversation will not end well for you. If you are understanding of the fact that life is not always easy or black and white then although I more than likely don't have the money now, we may be able to set up some kind of payment plan. 
6) Stop Making Empty Threats!
You are not going to arrest me. Debt is a civil crime not a criminal crime. If anything you are violating the FDCPA, for making empty threats. YOU should be arrested! 
7) Stop Calling Me Everyday Repeatedly! 
9 out of 10, if I didn't answer the 30 times you called me yesterday then I'M NOT GOING TO ANSWER TODAY EITHER! That's harassment! 
8) Don't Call Me Acting Like You Know Me Or Like We Are Friends!
My mamma never even called me by my full first name unless a belt was not far behind it. We are not cool. We won't be hanging out after you collect my debt. Let it go!
9) Don't Think Because You Change Your Number It Will Make A Difference!
If you followed at least 4 of the 8 tips you probably wouldn't have gotten blocked. Changing your number and continuing to do the same thing won't help either. My blocking powers are unlimited. I can do this all day. I call blocked a bill collector, they changed the very last digit in the number and called me back! Take a hint! Nothing has changed since you called me from the previous number. 
10) Them Fees Tho... Seriously!?
If I couldn't pay you the $200 I owed you, what makes you think I will be able to pay the extra $500 you tacked on in random fees?

So all in all there are ways to make yours and our lives a little easier. We understand that we owe you money, all we ask for is a little understanding. How would you want someone to step to you if you were in our shoes. Its not rocket science. You always get more with honey than vinegar. Just be considerate!


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Sonrize Hip Hop Recording Artist

Comedian Kirby Comedian/Blogger for
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